Dying thoughts

Sometimes Gary and I talk about death. 

OK. I mention death now and then. Gary talks more of Eternity. But last I checked you’ve got to do one to get to the other. 

I’m not a Genny-downer, not even close. I just say things that come to mind. Like when I peek into my husband’s study and see he is so locked into whatever is in front of him, he may forget to come out.

“When I die, you’ll need to set a timer to remind you to take breaks—get out of this room, and stretch your legs,” I tell him.

He just smiles, but I mean it.

It isn’t that Gary never leaves the house. He hits the gym often and goes for walks on a regular basis. But the study is his absolute, hands down, favorite room. Once he cozies in, he’s all in. It’s my job to extract him from its clutches. 

Who will step in after I’ve checked out?

That’s why I tell the kids, “If I die, you’ve got to get your dad’s nose out of the book he’s reading and take him to a baseball game, a museum, or a park—anywhere.”

“Noooo, don’t say that!” they wail. “Stop being morbid.” 

What they call morbid, I call realistic. 

Sometimes, Gary walks through a room while I’m cleaning window blinds.

“When I’m gone, go over these with a Swiffer twice a month or they’ll get ahead of you in a hurry. And clean under the toilet rims. Or I guess you could hire a cleaning service.”

He just keeps walking. 

Oh, well, at least I know he’ll run the vacuum cleaner occasionally. And he won’t starve. Gary’s a good cook.

Too bad the poor guy was cursed with a wife whose hands and feet have only known warmth during her three pregnancies. My blood circulation stops cold at my wrists and ankles. 

Sometimes, after we’ve turned in for the night, I croon, “Want me to put my foot on your leg?” 

“Nooooo,” he laughs and rolls away.

That’s when I say, “You won’t know if I die in my sleep because my hands and feet are always ice cold. Don’t call 911 until you’re sure I’m dead.”

I got that last bit from my grandmother.  She used to pull my 12-year-old self close, look me in the eyes, and say, “Genny Ann, promise me you’ll make sure I’m really dead before you let them take me away.”

Shivers ran through me the first time Grandma said those words. People could be mistaken for dead when they’re still alive? Yikes.

I’ve given Gary the usual instructions. A modest service. No viewing. (I don’t want anyone looking at me if I can’t look back.) 

Cremation, probably, though I could still change my mind. If I go to the crematory, put me in a tennis shoe box when they send me back. No expensive urn, please. 

There are plenty of empty shoe boxes on the closet floor behind my clothes. Yes, a tennis shoe box is perfect for storing me until I’m scattered hither and yon.

Speaking of which, I’ve told my husband, “When I punch my ticket to Heaven, keep the traditions going with the kids and grands.” 

Cookie parties. Christmas stockings. Christmas lights. “The Quiet Man” on St. Patrick’s Day. The Fourth of July at the lake.

Our girls will help him.

I’ve shared these dying thoughts, not often, but more than once. Still, I’m not convinced Gary has tuned in. 

“Can you tell me the things I’ve said about when I die?” I asked recently.

He rolled his eyes and said, “Burn your journals.”  

If I die, will someone please send this column to my husband?

Life is a box…

Forrest Gump’s mama was onto something when she said, “Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

It’s better not to know, at least for me. I’d waste too much time worrying about what I most dreaded, the imminent Almond Creams, Butter Creams, Orange Creams, and—the worst—Liquid Cherries.

My single-minded efforts to change my fate and sidestep life’s unpalatable surprises would keep me from fully embracing the Chocolate Fudge, Coconut Crunch Cups, and Caramel Cordials that came my way.

Had I listened to my husband, I might have missed out on the bits and pieces of “Forrest Gump” wisdom. After viewing a preview for the film, Gary said, “Looks ridiculous. I’m not spending money on that one.” 

OK. Fine. 

I asked my dad to go with me.

Gary eventually saw the movie. I dragged him to the theatre and said, “You might like it.”

He did.

But I digress.

By the time Dad and I took our seats for that July matinee, he had been declared healed from a bout with cancer. He had no idea he was on the cusp of a second, similar diagnosis, no relation to the first.

In other words, Dad had already swallowed his fair share of those wretched “butter creams,” in the forms of surgery, chemo, and radiation. But like Forrest Gump, my father had a knack for finding positives in any situation and taught us to do the same.

If my brothers or I said a classmate bullied us, Dad said, “We need to pray for him (or her).” 

If we complained about a demanding teacher or coach, he said, “When it’s too tough for everyone else, it’s just right for me.”

Dad also could summon a laugh at a moment’s notice. He often kept his sense of humor intact when righting our wrongs. 

If one of my brothers misbehaved, Dad playfully warned, “Cross my line one more time, and I’m sending you to Pruntytown.” 

Pruntytown (in Pruntytown, WV) was a reform school for wayward boys that employed military discipline to teach self-control. My girl status earned me an exemption. And Dad chuckled every time he threatened. Still, the mere mention of Pruntytown gave me a shiver.

At the theatre near us, Dad and I relaxed back in our seats with popcorn and zero expectations. “Forrest Gump”unfolded on the big screen and wooed us in. We subconsciously crossed the screen’s barrier and become part of the story.  

Dad and I laughed. We cried. We said not a word when the final credits rolled, as though the slightest whisper might sever the magic. Given the choice, we would have remained in our seats and watched the film all over again.

A few years later, after enduring treatments following his second cancer diagnosis, a terminal Liquid Cherry found its way into Dad’s box of chocolates.

His response?

“Don’t cry for me,” he said. “God has blessed my life. I’ve had so many blessings.”

My father chose to focus on the parts of his box that had delivered countless Chocolate Fudge-Coconut Crunch-Caramel Cordial moments. The day we saw “Forrest Gump” together was a triple sweet one. 

After Dad received the incurable diagnosis, our parents called a family meeting.

“I want you to know I’ve arranged to be buried at the National Cemetery in Pruntytown,” he said.

In a flash, my brother Donald said, “Pruntytown? Pruntytown? All those years, you told us we were headed to Pruntytown, and you’re the one who’s going to wind up there!”

Laughter filled every pocket of air in Mom’s kitchen, Dad laughing the longest.

Here’s the thing about life’s box of chocolates: we can’t spit out the bites we don’t want, but we can choose to make the best of even the bitterest of them.