Awesome and Awful

Once upon a time, someone loaded my very first brand-new washer and dryer onto the back of a box truck. While waiting for the delivery, I glanced out the windows over and over. My heart pounded in anticipation of receiving two new appliances designed with the latest technology.

Then, my excitement dawned a sudden realization. I said to myself, “Self, it’s official. You are old. When hooking up a new washer and dryer feels like finding a bike under the tree at Christmas, you’ve turned the corner of no return.”

Myself spoke true. After that, I tried to keep eagerness at bay when we bought our first new dishwasher and then a stove and, later, a refrigerator. I wanted to hold onto youth and prove myself wrong. But I couldn’t do it. I could not quell my unbridled enthusiasm for the delivery of a new appliance.

Getting a brand-new appliance, one that works, is awesome. That my zeal seals my fate as old is awful. Awesome and awful—all at the same time. In this very spot I would, if I could, add a teary-eyed emoji.

I accepted my position in life. Things couldn’t get any worse or so I thought.

Not long ago, someone packed my very first and brand-new rug rake into a box. While waiting for the delivery, I checked my front porch several times. It pains me to say it, but my heart pounded in anticipation of receiving a cool new tool, one that would loosen and pull hair and other grime from rugs in a flash.

After executing the fifth or sixth porch scan, a new truth became evident. I said to myself, “Self, not only are you old, but you are weird.”

In my defense, I didn’t know rug rakes existed. While cleaning one day, I scraped my shoe across the thick-pile rug in our bedroom and unearthed a bird’s nest of hair. Disgusting, I know.

Now, this isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve dragged a tennis shoe over a rug to pick up hair that the vacuum cleaner missed. But it is the first time I considered using a garden rake on a rug. Then, I thought better of it.

I said to myself (I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately), “Self, google ‘rug rake’ and see what happens.”

My laptop screen filled with images of rug rakes and rug brooms and carpet rakes. I could click on “The Top Five Rug Rakes of 2020” or a video covering “The Top 10 Carpet Rakes of 2020.”

I didn’t think there was a top anything for 2020, much less a rug rake. It occurred to me that I had hoped for, but did not expect to find such a thing. In my subconscious, maybe I looked for what I thought did not exist so that I could finally invent a cool tool and live off the profits.

Ha. Ha. Ha, ha, ha. If I think up a cool anything, you can believe the thing I thought of has been on the market for years.

Before ordering my rug broom or rake or whatever it is, I read a bunch of reviews. There are rakes/brooms made of metal or rubber brushes that come in different widths. And the darn things range anywhere from $15 to $60 in price.

Two particular reviewers helped me make my decision. One person said, “…somehow I realized dragging shoes onto carpet will tie up the hair. I found this product on a whim and knew it had to be better than my shoes!”

The first sentence in the next review sealed the deal: “When you are excited about cleaning tools, you know you are getting old….”

Believe me, I know.

Commentary Everyday Life

VievesVine View All →

writer, blogger, columnist

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